he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
