Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
