Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
