i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
