Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
