I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
