You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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