so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
