I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
