Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
