he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
