Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
