I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How naked do you want me to be?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
