My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
