i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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