Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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