I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
