You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
