Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
