i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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