A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
