AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Sext me about skeletons
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
