I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
