I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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