Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
