i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
