and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
