Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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