I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
