My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
zippers are such a cool invention
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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