So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
