Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
