"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
