I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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