This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
