the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
