dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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