The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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