no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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