I could make wine with my vomit
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
