I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
