well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
