I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
