Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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