She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
