Just cropdusted the office
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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