sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
