i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
