It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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