I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
