she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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