this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
